My Life Transformation

As many of you know, I have struggled with depression for most of my life. And at times things have gotten pretty scary and I found myself in deep despair and have had many hospitalizations and treatments since the time I had turned 16. This pattern has continued for many years. Earlier this year I realized that I was at a point where I had to make some changes and that I could not continue to do the things that I have always done because if I continued to do those things that pattern would continue and not be broken. So, I made a pretty major decision back in May and I went off of all my medications cold turkey on May 3rd. This was a pretty scary decision not only for myself, but for those that were privy to that decision (which were very few people). Time moved on and things were difficult for a time and then I got sick in July with my kidney stone, which was very painful physically. That physical pain did not help the mental and emotional pain that I was already in. Once the kidney stone was taken care of and the physical pain was gone, all the emotional and mental pain came to the forefront once again. The month of August and early September were very difficult and frankly pretty terrifying. I once again found myself in the depths of despair and on the verge of hospitalization once again. But then things began to lift. After one very long night labor day weekend, which I truly thought would be my last, things began to lift and have been lifting ever since. I feel as though I am now on top of the world and that nothing can stop me. I found a wonderful therapist here back in March and have been seeing him ever since. He has helped me through so much and I have learned so much from him. And I have a very caring, compassionate, and loving Bishop who has seen me at my absolute worse and never gave up on me. The reason I am sharing all of this with you is because I am now going to share a journal entry I wrote on November 12th. This is a pretty incredible entry for me and I want to share with each of you the good in my life, since you have all been there for me through the hardest parts of my life.

Here it is:

"Life is good! I am so blessed! I feel like I have received a new lease on life! I am happy. I am content. I am enjoying life. I am feeling things that I have never felt before. This is a good thing! I never dreamed my life would be this way! The transformation over the past few months has been amazing! I feel like a whole new person. I feel for the first time and truly believe that everything will be okay. I feel strong, capable, and confident. I am still learning and growing and have a long way to go, but I am definitely on my way to becoming the person that my Father in Heaven intended me to be. I believe I am finally beginning to see myself as others see me. I am finally beginning to see that I do have value and that I do have something to offer. I did not think that feeling this way would ever be possible. I am so grateful for all of this. I owe all of this to my Heavenly Father and my Savior (and many others). Without them this would never have been possible. I love life and look forward to seeing where this transformation continues to take me!"

The transformation that has taken place in me over this past year truly does amaze me. Especially what has happened over the past few months. Some of you back home would not even recognize the person that I am today. I truly am not the same person that I use to be and this is a good thing.

So, thank you to all of you for not giving up on me, especially during those times when I desperately wanted to give up on myself. You are the ones who mean the most to me and who are so precious to me in my life. All of you have contributed to my life in one or another and I thank you for that.

For those of you back home in Chicago, I look forward to seeing you all again when I come home in April at Easter. I can't wait for you to see the person that I have become.

I love you all and hope and pray that you all have a wonderful Christmas Season with your loved ones.

I am going to try and do better about this blogging thing ... but only time will tell how that goes!

So until next time ... take care. Sending you all love and hugs, wherever you may be.

November ~ A season of Thanksgiving

I did not realize that it had been since July that I last blogged. Boy ... time sure does fly by these days. I have quite a bit to catch you up on, but that will need to come later (if I find the time). I am going to start from the present and then go back and post some things that have happened over the past few months. In the mean time ...

Throughout the month of November, I have been posting something daily about what I am thankful for and why on Facebook. Some of you do not have Facebook accounts so I am sharing the list of what has compiled over the month. Here it is:

Nov. 1 ~ I am grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who loves me, knows me by name, and is keenly aware of my personal circumstances.

Nov. 2 ~ I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ, His perfect love for me, and all that He has done for me.

Nov. 3 ~ I am thankful to have a job to go to every day and to work for a good company.

Nov. 4 ~ I am thankful for family (both by blood and those who have adopted me) and friends who love me, care for me, support me, and encourage me everyday. I would not have made it this far in life without each and every one of you!!! Love you all!!!

Nov. 5 ~ I am thankful for God leading me to Texas. I never thought that I would leave the Chicago area, but God knew my needs and knew what it would take for me to get to where I am today. So, He carefully planned and prepared my path to lead me here. And I am so grateful for that. It has not been easy to be away from family and friends, but I have gained so many wonderful people into my life. I have learned so much, grown in so many areas of my life, and become a better person through this move; things that never would have happened if I didn't come. So, I am grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who knows what His children need and prepares a way to meet those needs.

Nov. 6 ~ I am thankful for the power of prayer. I am thankful for both answered prayers and the seemingly unanswered prayers. The power of prayer changes lives. Miracles happen everyday and many times they are because of the prayers from our loved ones. I am grateful for my Father in Heaven who hears and answers every single one of my prayers.

Nov. 7 ~ I am thankful for music and the inspiration it brings into my life. Music can change my mood in a second. It has brought me peace and comfort during the most turbulent times of my life. It allows me to express myself in ways that nothing else can. It also helps to release pent up emotion through the release of tears. Yes, I am definitely grateful for music and all that it brings into my life.

Nov. 8 ~ Today I am grateful for my Mom. She was a great lady and I miss her so much. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of her. I just wish that she could have experienced this transformation that I have been going through with me. I love her so much and look forward to that day that I will be reunited with her. She dedicated her life to her family and I am so grateful for that. She gave us kids everything she had. I am so grateful for her and I am very proud to be her daughter. Love you Mom.

Nov. 9 ~ I am grateful for the scriptures and the testimonies of the Savior which are within its pages. I am grateful for those individuals who took the time to record their testimonies and experiences thousands of years ago so that we could have them today. I am grateful to have my own personal copy of the scriptures so that I can read them whenever I want and mark them how I want (so I can easily remember those verses that have special meaning to me).

Nov. 10 ~ I am grateful for this new day. Each new day is a precious gift from God. Just think of the wonderful possibilities this new day holds. It is up to us what we make of this gift. Remember it is not necessarily important what happens to us but what is the most important thing is how we react to what comes our way and that shows our true character. I love this saying I came across not too long ago: "Wake up with determination. Go to bed with satisfaction."

Nov. 11 ~ Today I am thankful for all the men and women who have served, are currently serving, and who will serve in the future as members of our military! It is because of each and every one of you that I enjoy my freedoms, rights, and privileges of living in this country today. I am especially grateful for my freedom of religion. I can choose to worship God as I see fit and that is truly a blessing. So, thank you Veterans for not only protecting this freedom but for protecting all the freedoms enjoyed by the citizens who live in this land. You and your families sacrifice so much and you are not nearly appreciated enough for it. This is your special day and I hope you know how much you are loved and appreciated by so many. Thank you for all you do!!!sing. So, thank you Veterans for not only protecting this freedom but for protecting all the freedoms enjoyed by the citizens who live in this land. You and your families sacrifice so much and you are not nearly appreciated enough for it. This is your special day and I hope you know how much you are loved and appreciated by so many. Thank you for all you do

Nov. 12 ~ Today I am grateful for the basic necessities of life. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, clean water to drink, and food to eat. I have electricity which provides me light, heat, and air conditioning. I have a job that I enjoy going to every day. I have a car to get me to the places that I need to go. These are blessings. These are also things that many in this world do not have. There are too many people in this world that go hungry and without shelter. I hope that I will never take these things for granted again.

Nov. 13 ~ I am grateful for the opportunity I have to work with the young women at church and the other leaders that work with them. They are great girls and I feel very fortunate and blessed to be able to work with them at this time. They have taught me so much in the short time that we have been working together. They face so many challenges and trials in their lives today. I pray that they will have the strength, courage, and faith needed to make the right choices in their daily lives and to stay true to their values and the divine nature that they hold within themselves. I hope they truly understand who they are and Whose they are! For they, each one of them, is a precious daughter of God!

Nov. 14 ~ Today I am feeling especially grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ, and all that He has done for me. I am grateful for His willingness to take upon Himself not only my sins but my infirmities as well. He has experienced everything I have gone through, am currently going through, and will go through in my future. He has a perfect comprehension and understanding of every single experience I have in my life. He has felt every sickness, every hurt, and every emotion. I have never taken a single step of my journey here on earth alone ... He has been there with me every step of the way and will continue to be there. And for this I am eternally grateful.

Nov. 15 ~ I am grateful for new opportunities. For chances to learn new things (at work, at church, and in my personal life). These new opportunities are blessings and give me a chance to learn new things and to grow.

Nov. 16 ~ I am grateful for all the words of encouragement, love, and support that I have received throughout my life from loved ones (especially through the most difficult times of my life). It is because of your support and prayers that I have made it this far in life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for never giving up on me; especially during those times when I wanted to give up on myself.

Nov. 17 ~ I am grateful for my body. The body truly is a miracle. The mind is especially interesting to me. It just amazes me how much information we are able to retain in our brains. And when I think that we only use a small portion of what the mind is capable of ... it just amazes me. I am grateful for good health. I am also grateful for modern medicine and the assistance that is available today for when our bodies are ill and not working properly.

Nov. 18 ~ I am grateful for my Dad. He has been a huge supporter of mine throughout my life. He may not always know what to say or what to do, but I know that he loves me and that he wants me to be happy. He wants the best for me. I am grateful for his example and for all that he has taught me. I am grateful for the values that he has helped to instill in me and for his teaching me about our Father in Heaven and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Dad, I am grateful for you and love you with all of my heart!!! ♥ No matter how old I get ... I will always be your little girl.

Nov. 19 ~ Today I am feeling grateful for my challenges, struggles, and trials of life. For many of you that may seem to be an odd thing to be grateful for. But I am grateful for them, because they have helped me to become who I am today. They have helped me to learn, to grow, and to become stronger. If it were not for my trials, I would not know what I am fully capable of doing or becoming. I am also grateful for those people who the Lord has placed in my life to help me through the trials and struggles. Whether they be family members, friends, clergy, or professionals. They have all helped me to realize who I am and that I have strength and value. Thank you to each one of you.

Nov. 20 ~ I am grateful for the opportunity and freedom that I have every week to worship God as I choose. I am also grateful for the opportunity that I have to partake of the Sacrament every Sunday and renew my baptismal covenants and take upon myself the name of Christ. This strengthens me in my faith and renews my sense of hope. I am far from perfect, but I can renew my commitment to the Savior every week and try again to do better. I am so grateful for all that Christ has done for me - especially for His tender mercies that He extends to me on a daily basis.

Nov. 21 ~ I am grateful for modern technology and the wonderful help and tools that they provide. They help me to stay in touch with friends and family. They also provide useful information and entertainment. What a wonderful blessing modern technology is - as long as it is used properly.

Nov. 22 ~ I am grateful for good and wholesome books. Books that can help you build faith and hope. Books that can help you develop new skills to better your life. And those good books that are strictly for entertainment. You know the ones that help you to escape from the realities of life for awhile and help you to relax. Writing this reminds me that I need to start to read for fun more often again.

Nov. 23 ~ I am grateful for days of reflection. You know, the kind of days that you take the time to slow down and be still and know that God is God. Days when you think of loved ones (those still with you and those who have passed on) and the impact they have had in your life - whether good or may be not so good. Days when you look back at your life and see the progress you have made - and acknowledge all the little steps that have gotten you to where you are today. The path may not have been easy but you are better for it. Yes, I am grateful for the days that I take the time to slow things down a bit in a hectic world and really reflect upon the things that are truly important.

Nov. 24 ~ Today I am grateful for Thanksgiving Day. A whole day dedicated to reflecting upon the things that you are thankful for. A day to spend with family and friends who mean so much. Thank you to each of you for being such an important and precious part of my life. Happy Thanksgiving to each and every one of you. Hoping you have a fantastic and Blessed Thanksgiving with your loved ones. Love and hugs to all of you!

Nov 25 ~ I am feeling grateful for the kick-off of the Christmas Season. I am so grateful for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and all that He has done for me! I am grateful for this time of year when we recognize and celebrate His miraculous birth. It is my hope and prayer that each of us this year may slow things done a bit and try to not get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the Season. But that we are able to truly focus on the reason we have this Season to celebrate – our Lord and Savior. May we ever be mindful of Him and what He would have us to do. For we truly are His hands and voice here in this world. May we be a little kinder and show others how much Christ cares for them and loves them.

Nov. 26 ~ I am thankful for Temples. I am so grateful for the peace and quiet that is there. Going to the Temple allows me to escape from the things of this world for a short time and focus on things that truly matter. What a blessing it is to live so close to a Temple and be able to go whenever I want. And I am grateful to be able to take friends with me and for our talks on the way to and back home from the Temple. What a wonderful blessing and gift Temples are!celebrate - our Lord and Savior. May we ever be mindful of Him and what He would have us do. For we truly are His hands and voice here in this world. May we be a little kinder and show others how much Christ cares for them and loves them.

Nov. 27 ~ I am thankful for the principle of faith. Faith is a belief in things that are unseen but things that we know in our hearts to be true. Faith is an action word and it is something that needs to be cultivated and grows with time. Faith is something that will waiver if not properly taken care of. Faith is something not to be taken for granted. I am grateful for the faith that I have and for opportunities I have each and every day to practice and develop it.

Nov. 28 ~ I am grateful for God’s timing. God’s timing is not necessarily my timing. In today’s culture we want everything now. And I have to remind myself that my timing, is not necessarily the timing that my Father in Heaven intends for me. The good things that I want right now, may not come until later, when God knows it is the perfect time for them. This at times is hard for me, but I trust God and I know that His timing is far better than what I think the right time is.

Nov. 29 ~ I am grateful for the Eternal nature of the family. It is such a comfort to know that I will one day be reunited with my loved ones who have passed on – my Mom, my grandparents, my Aunt, etc. It is also comforting to know that I will have the opportunity to meet those family members that I have heard stories about my whole life but did not have the privilege of knowing in this life – my Mom’s Dad, my Uncle Jack, etc. What a blessing our families are and how very grateful I am for my family and the joy that they bring to my life.

Nov. 30 ~ I am grateful for the Plan of Salvation. It is such a great comfort knowing how much that my Heavenly Father loves me. He loves me so much that He has developed the great Plan of Salvation for His precious children. It is a plan of happiness. It is a plan of redemption. What a blessing it is to know that I lived with God before being sent to earth. What a blessing it is to know why I am here on earth. And what a blessing it is to know that there will be life after my journey here on earth is complete. Yes, our Father in Heaven loves each of His children with a love that we cannot comprehend and He desires for each and every one of His precious children to return to live in His presence. What a comfort it is to know that my Father in Heaven knows me by name and knows the intricate details of my life. He will provide for me my needs and He will help me to learn and grow in this journey of life on this earth. He will never forget me or forsake me. I am eternally grateful for this knowledge and for the blessings that it brings to my life.Nov.

I know some of you have seen these throughout the month on Facebook, sorry for the redundancy, but I wanted all my friends and family to see these. It really has been eye opening to realize all of the blessings that I have in my life. I really have enjoyed doing this throughout the month. I really tried to put thought into this and not just make a list, but really think about why I am grateful for these things.

I am hoping that all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving with friends and family. I was able to spend the day with a dear and wonderful family from church who has adopted me. I love this family so much and I am so grateful to have them in my life. Thank you Kelly family for your love, support, and friendship! It was a fun day and I really enjoyed my time with you.